I keep the belt looped on the hook because it gives me control when everything else threatens to slip away. Ciaran is the first man whose surrender makes me want to use it every night to claim him completely.

His lean muscles tense under my gaze and that faint scar on his wrist shows he has given himself before. But with me it feels different, like he might actually stay if I correct him the way he needs and wrap the belt around his throat until he forgets how to doubt.

The papers in the entryway still need signing, and Victor is watching for the moment I falter. Every night I loosen that belt I risk the walls that have kept me safe. And I reach for it anyway.