Football is the beautiful game. It is also, if we're honest with each other, absolutely revolting.

Welcome to the second sport — the dirty one played underneath the football. The one made entirely of diving, shirt-tugging, time-wasting, imaginary VAR rectangles, miracle injuries that heal the instant someone scores, and eleven grown men sprinting to surround a referee to overturn a decision that has never, in the entire history of the game, been overturned.

In this special 2026 edition of the Disgusting Habits series, Zippy Mason catalogues twenty of football's most ridiculous habits — from spectacular diving and shameless time-wasting to questionable celebrations, referee harassment and the dark arts that somehow become "tactical intelligence" when your own team does them.

And it doesn't stop with the players.

There are bonus rounds on referees and fans, a football slang survival guide, a mega-quiz to discover exactly what kind of disgusting football creature you are, and a glossary dedicated to the game's grossest little arts.

It's affectionate. It's merciless. And if you love football, there's a very good chance it will implicate you before half-time.

No real players. No real referees. No real teams. Just the types, habits and moments football fans everywhere will recognise.

Laugh. Gag. Shake your head. Love the game anyway.